I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
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He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.