so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
