I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
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Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
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He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.