You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?