I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
porn star boner night. come get it.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
