batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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