I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
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decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
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I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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