im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
