I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
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Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
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It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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