Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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