You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
