Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Duck Duck Cougar?
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
