drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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