This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
