just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
