smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
