I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
