dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i need an iv and a liver transplant
smell my finger.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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