So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
