nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
