i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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