remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
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Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
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what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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