well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
