I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
