and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
