Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
