Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
