Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
