Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
