So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
