This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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