I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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