I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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