What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize