The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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