He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
