i jhust puked up my retainher.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
