Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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