I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
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