remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
