found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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