id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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