so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
