obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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