just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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