yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
