Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
