Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
