i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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