The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
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