I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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