If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
