quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
