Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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