I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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