the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
