Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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