She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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