is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
it glows. i had to have it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
