if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
