I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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